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They waddled in under cover of night, bellies glowing faintly in the moonlight.
We awoke to find Peggy gone, and in her place, a ghastly feathered representative
of aviary shennanigans. Taunting us with beligerent and hurtful...umm...taunts.
Threatening us with unspeakable, yet strangely compelling, acts of degradation.
They were

The Penguins.

Weeks of bullying and bad manners ensued.
Unsuccessful attempts were made to win us over into the flipper zone.

Finally, their arrogance and smelly sardine breath became too much to bear.
We realized that desperate measures had to be taken
to rid ourselves of our aquatic oppressors.

Here is our story.

It was an epic battle, boys & girls. On the side of goodness and light: humans, winged horses and volleyball players. On the side of darkness and evil and tequila: penguins. The early dawn revealed their gnashing beaks and swarthy flippers. These were birds on the edge, and there were hundreds of thousands of them, each and every one with nothing to lose, but a fine and cool web page to gain.

And so began the fight. The horsies quickly freaked out, and fled. Chicken-shit bastards. The humans wimped out next...soiling themselves and wimpering, they slinked off when the penguins began to get medieval on their asses. That left just the volleyball players to defend their proud and true website, so they dug in their heels, prepared to reclaim what was rightfully theirs, Nackte Frauen or die trying in a sea of guano.

I'll be honest; it didn't look good. No sir, not good at all. The penguins, they were slippery and sturdy, and the volleyball players had little in the way of weapons at their disposal. Sure, they tried to spike serve at the little waddling bowling pins, but instead of being deterred, the penguins only became more agitated and flappy. Next, the volleyball players tried to form a rudimentary stink-bomb by tying all of their knee pads together and igniting them with lit keilbasa burps. But alas, 'twas to no avail, and things began to look hopeless for the brave, yet sorely outnumbered, volleyballers.

But then, a miracle! Luckily, local radio reporters were on hand to witness what happened next, and were able to broadcast the following live report, which you can listen to by clicking on our superhero.

So, the penguins were vanquished, and driven off in shame. But before they left, the volleyballers asked them why they had wanted so badly to take the website away from Pegasus in the first place. They replied, with tears glistening in their eyes, that it was a simple, yet powerful, case of Pegasus Envy. They hated the horsies because they could fly, whereas penguins are flightless, despite the fact that they are birds. One could almost feel sorry for the little torpedo-shaped hooligans, as they turned and slowly waddled back to their home: an ice floe in remotest Saskatchewan. But we the last we've heard of them???

For an incisive analysis of this, and other important events, please visit our new feature presentation,

Muschi Muschis